Chapter 1 – Feeling powerless

Growing up, I felt I had to be who my parents wanted me to be in order to fit in and belong. I felt that I had to be a perfect child and follow well-established rules. I deeply resented the rigidity of the rules and my own inability to change them. Rules such as “wear the clothes that we choose for you, always stand out and be the best, do not get dirty while playing with other kids,” separated me from my peers. I felt lonely and desperate to connect and experience the freedom to be myself.

Nevertheless, because my parents’ acceptance was so important to me and I did not know how to stand up for myself, I continued working hard to achieve everything that was expected of me. By doing that, I turned away from my own dreams. I turned away from the present moment and focused on the future assuming that one day my time would eventually come.

After graduating from University where I studied electrical engineering—the career my father had chosen for me—I thought that it was finally my turn to learn about my likes and dislikes and choose my own path.

I’d gotten a good job and was about to move into my own place. Then, just as my time was coming, everything collapsed as civil war broke out in my country. I never ended up moving into my place. I never ended up experiencing that much-anticipated freedom.

Everything I had worked hard for was gone. Everything my family had achieved through generations was gone. Our slate was wiped clean.

I was beyond devastated. Why? Because all of my bets on the future would never come to fruition.

“If your relationship to the present moment is not right–nothing can ever be right in the future–because when the future comes–it is the present moment.” – Eckhart Tolle

These were turbulent and difficult times. We got separated as a family and, after getting married, I decided to leave my country.

Chapter 2 – Assuming False Power

I vividly remember how it felt to move to a new country with no “identity” and with the word “stateless” printed all over my papers. I did not speak the same language as everyone around me, so I’d lost the ability to express myself. I felt uncomfortable being different, as most of us are taught to fit the mold.

I had an immensely hard time accepting this new situation. I was resentful, and I felt powerless. Now, in retrospect, I understand that the way I felt was due to the fact that my identity was based on external achievements and attachments. However, at that time, I did not understand that the things I lost, including my “unfulfilled dreams,” did not define me.

I became determined to rebuild what I had worked so hard for.  The achiever and the fighter in me kicked in. I felt that I needed to change my circumstances in order to be happy.

I became a master at overcoming challenges, constantly raising the bar and getting things done. I became driven and results-oriented. After all, I was on a mission. I wanted to reconnect with my family and I wanted to rebuild my “identity.”

On the surface, I was achieving a lot. I managed to reunite with my family, I managed to find a good job. However, deep down, I continued to lose my identity, moving farther and farther away from my true self. For example, being a woman in the IT industry made me feel like I needed to act masculine in order to survive and succeed. Being an immigrant made me feel that I had to work harder than anyone else in order to prove myself. I was pushing too hard and constantly swimming upstream.

I became living proof that you cannot chase your own happiness through achievements and attachments. Everything that is external comes and goes, leaving you hungry for something else.

“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.”―Eckhart Tolle

Eventually, my body began to revolt and I started suffering from chronic headaches. Every day I would wake up with a migraine and then I would put on a brave face and march forward. I was not ready or able to face my emotions or the powerful messages that my body was giving me.

To make things more challenging, early in my career due to my ability to get things done, I was promoted into a leadership role. I approached leadership in the same way I approached everything else. I became a classic high-achieving, results-driven leader. I was good at figuring out what needed to be done and then delivering predictable and consistent results.

Somehow, I thought that the same skills that made me a good subject matter expert would make me a good leader. However, I learned the hard way that the most important thing was not what I was doing, but how I was doing it and why. For me, getting the job done was always easy; figuring out how to do right by those I worked with was not.

I would have probably continued down this path of self-destruction if it was not for my leadership role and the impact that I was having on others. My leadership journey became the catalyst for change. In the leadership arena, I learned some valuable lessons that changed the course of my life.

In 2010, when I was leading a team responsible for delivering government projects for the 2010 Olympic Games, I encountered my biggest leadership challenge. The pressure to deliver was high. I was so focused on the end goal that I drove the team too hard. I was oblivious to my surroundings and didn’t see the power struggles that were going on around me. I lost touch with my team, and I failed as their leader. It felt as if my leadership journey had come to its end. I was devastated and I knew that I had a choice to make.

By now, I realized that my old strategies such as postponing my life, trying to fit the mold or striving to change my circumstances were not working.

Chapter 3 – Stepping Into Authentic Power

Following my 2010 leadership lesson, I engaged a coach and spent several years working on my personal growth, and on reconnecting with myself and my values. Coaching helped me see things that I was not able to see on my own. Through the coaching process, I developed self-awareness. That, on its own, made a tremendous impact on my life.

All transformational changes start with self-awareness.

During the coaching journey, my husband and I decided to pursue a very bold experiment. We sold all of our assets to purchase a piece of land. Our goal was to build a dream home and then sell it. This dream home represented everything that we had and everything that we were before the war started. For us, selling it was a way to free ourselves from our past and disassociate ourselves from material things that previously defined us.

Yes, I was really sad when we sold our home, however, I also learned how to recognize and manage my emotions rather than identifying with them or suppressing them.  This knowledge provided me with access and greater insight into my inner world. By harnessing the power of emotions, I started making small steps towards my transformational journey.

I realized that my old strategies were strategies of separation because I was objectifying things that were in my way in order to fix them. By deploying these strategies, I was further and further separating myself from different parts of myself and from others. The way back to connection was through the cultivation of my capacity to feel – through the development of emotional agility.

I learned about different aspects of myself and how to accept and respect each one of them. I became clear on what my values are, what my passions are and what motivates me. I also became intentional about my actions.

I found my authentic path to freedom by:

• Becoming my own authority,
• Gaining my own voice (recognizing the voice of the negative ego and setting it aside), and
• Living in integrity. Integrity for me means connection, alignment, unity and wholeness. When in integrity, I am connected to all aspects of myself, to others and to the present moment.

Once I became more comfortable in my own skin, it was easier for me to develop and manage relationships with others.

Overall, this work has had a profound impact on my personal well-being and on my leadership skills. I saw first-hand the importance of personal mastery, the difference that Emotional Intelligence competencies make in leadership as well as the role that coaching plays in all of this. I became so passionate about coaching that I decided to become an Executive Coach so that I can assist others on their journey.

I am still committed to be the best person and the best leader that I can be.

In many ways, my true, authentic journey has just begun and I am looking forward to its unfolding.